I Think This Giraffe Should Stop Trying to Be a Human

JOHN THYS/AFP/Getty Images

Just be yourself, giraffe. No tie necessary.

Earlier this year, the Internet was torn by a simple question: if a dog were to wear pants, would it wear a pair on its hind legs, or some sort of weird four-leg design (the logic being that technically dogs only have legs, not arms, and pants go on legs). As these things tend to go, it was basically a dumb distraction from things that are actually important in society, like Trump hiring a bunch of Goldman Sachs employees for his cabinet, global warming, and the current season of Vanderpump Rules. Now, a new, derivative and maybe even dumber question has been posed to the public: If a giraffe were to wear a necktie, would it be at the top of its neck or the bottom?

For one, a tie doesn't sit on a human neck at the exactly top or button, so the entire premise of the question goes kaput rather quickly. But let's also take this chance to put an end to silly anthropomorphizing of animals for the sake of retweets. You know what's dope about being a giraffe? Not wearing a tie, or any clothes at all. You get to be naked in the wild (assuming you're not a zoo giraffe) all the damn time, eat stuff off the top of trees, and also are surprisingly fast creatures.

We humans on the other hand only have to wear clothes because our brains got too big, and we decided that looking at each other's junk all the time wasn't a thing we wanted to do anymore. And now there's a whole multi-billion dollar industry around it. Without neckties, Ralph Lauren wouldn't exist and that might not be too chill for us humans. But giraffe's don't have to bear that burden, and they don't have to wear ties. Just as it should be.

Up Next: How to Tie a Tie

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