How To Choose a Halloween Costume That Isn't Racist

Every Halloween, scores of Americans prowl the streets in costumes that are racist, buffoonish, offensive, and/or just plain dumb. So this year, GQ enlisted Silicon Valley star Kumail Nanjiani to illustrate how to dress up as another person the right way.

As Halloween approaches, America's most valuable natural resources—celebrities—are in trouble. Each year, more and more fall prey to poor costume judgment, blackening their reputations as thoroughly as their skin. In 2013, a blonde actress named Julianne Hough darkened her face to portray a black character from Orange Is the New Black. In 2014, Scott Disick's costume was simply “a sheik.” In 2015, Nicky Hilton attended a tequila party dressed as a Native American woman who owned gladiator sandals. This year is sure to bring fresh horrors. But unlike celebrities, whose lustrous beauty and hypnotic charisma shield them from the consequences of their worst ideas, we (as in: regular people) are each just one misbegotten costume away from unemployment. It doesn't have to be this way. With these rules as a guide, anyone can avoid o≠ending the world on Halloween.

Commandment II

You Can Change Your Skin Color to a Shade Found in Gumballs*

Some people look forward all year to covering their bodies in a thin layer of paint, many of whom are not racist. For such people, there is a loophole: Dress up as a brightly colored character that is human-adjacent. This can be a Smurf or the Jolly Green Giant or even Mystique, if you've got the time and confidence. But be careful; just because someone is a cartoon does not mean that someone is not also a proud Latino-American. If you would like to dress up as, for instance, Dora the Explorer's sidekick, Diego, please refer to Commandment I.

How To Be You, But Mystique

• Get as close to nude as pride and law will allow; paint everything visible blue.
• Flatiron a red Ronald McDonald wig; slick it back with pomade.
• Don't worry about accessories. If people can't tell you're Mystique from the above, no amount of hand-holding will help.

Commandment III

Stick with the Butt Bestowed Upon You by the Universe

Yes, it's hilarious to pause in the produce aisle, hold two cantaloupes up to your chest, and yell to your partner, “Hey! Whaddya think of these?” When it comes to Halloween costumes, though, proceed with caution around dangerous curves. Err on the side of the physical features you were born with, lest you look as if you were inspired by a diagram in an early-20th-century eugenics pamphlet.

If you try to mimic a celebrity's exact body characteristics, odds are high that you'll veer quickly into demeaning objectification. (It's hard to maintain a light touch when stuffing wads of padding into your boxer briefs.) The purpose of celebrity-inspired Halloween costumes is to make fun of people—literally to create fun from their existence. But in order to not be an asshole, make sure the thing you're mocking is something mutable, like fashion, and not a physical trait. It's not funny that Jennifer Lopez has boobs and a large butt any more than it's funny that you have no boobs or butt. That's just how you and J.Lo happen to look.

How To Be You, But J.LO At The 2000 Vmas, When She Was Dating Puffy

• Pair a white rhinestone belly shirt with white rhinestone heels, a white rhinestone headband, and white flared jeans that don't need rhinestones but they certainly couldn't hurt.
• Sling a silver metal belt around your waist—not through belt loops.
• On each wrist: a diamond bracelet. On your neck: a nameplate necklace. On your face: a confident smile.
• Carry the Moonman you just won for Best Dance Video (“Waiting for Tonight”).
• Ask people, increasingly frantically: “Have you seen Puff?”

Commandment IV

Apply Accessories Liberally

Imagine waking up to find a mannequin wearing your Halloween costume in your bed. Terrifying—but would you know immediately who that mannequin was purporting to be? If the answer is no, then you need more accessories.

Logic dictates that there are a lot of white people in the known universe (Steve Jobs, Ryan Gosling, and Scarlett Johansson, to name some), but relatively few white people who dress like Andy Warhol (of that list: only Steve Jobs, kind of). An even smaller percentage of white people carry the things Andy Warhol might have carried with him on a given day: a Polaroid camera, a Brillo-pad box, a birth certificate for “Andrew Warhola.” If you lug around those items, plus dress like Warhol, plus it's Halloween—a night when brains are actively engaged in puzzle-solving—most folks will be able to guess that you are dressed as Pittsburgh's most famous son after Joe Manganiello: Look—it's Andy Warhol!

How To Be You, But Andy Warhol

• Pair a body-hugging turtleneck with a solid blazer.
• Buy a variety of white and silver wigs; change them out over the course of the night.
• Carry around a Brillo box, for sitting on and for supplemental wig storage. (Warhol owned over 50, so you'll need at least 3.)
• Take Polaroids of people without asking.

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